


The Lord Thingy Chronicles: Starbucks

by Mello_McQueen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-07
Updated: 2007-12-07
Packaged: 2017-11-11 04:25:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/474483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mello_McQueen/pseuds/Mello_McQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldemort  plans to destroy Starbucks. …what do you mean why? He’s Voldemort! The embodiment of all evil! Supreme ruler of darkness! Sheesh, what more reason do you need!?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lord Thingy Chronicles: Starbucks

**Author's Note:**

> written at: December 7, 2007. Crack!Fic

**The Lord Thingy Chronicles**  
 _Voldemort Plans to Destroy Starbucks_  
Tuesday morning, as Professor Severus Snape made to join the Dark Lord and his followers at their appointed meeting place, he found that it was particularly wet and dark outside. This was partially due to the fact that A) Voldemort had decided to call an emergency meeting at 4:00 in the morning, and B) A week ago when a small crack had formed in the water tower above the city, some idiot had attempted to seal it with a wad of chewing gum.

Needless to say this solution failed miserably, and the crack was now a hole three feet wide, spraying freezing cold water on anyone “stupid enough to walk the streets below without an umbrella.”

Or so Lucius said when Snape walked into the tiny one room coffee shop on the corner of Main Street, dripping from head to toe in water.

As he approached the table in the back of the room (which, upon further inspection, he determined was actually two tables pushed together) Bellatrix Lestrange, who had just caught sight of him, threw her head back and cackled with glee, in such a way that the man behind the counter who had been dreading something like this from the moment the first black robed Death Eater had entered the shop, screamed like a girl and ducked beneath the counter in fear, praying for his life.

When she stopped, long enough to point at Snape and screech that he looked like something akin to a drowned rat (which gained her an unsavory look from Peter) the man shakily reemerged.

A moment later, however, he ducked back down again clutching his chest in a pre-cardiac arrest sort of way, as the café door burst open, and a cloaked figure glided in, the only visisble part of him being a pale bony white hand with long skeletal fingers, that currently held a large steaming cup of coffee.

“This,” the Dark Lord hissed approaching the group and depositing the cup on the table in front of them, before throwing his arms up towards the ceiling and clutching at the air for effect. “This will- - _drip, drip, drip_ -“ Voldemort paused lowering his arms and was greeted by silence. Satisfied he threw them up again and continued.

“This will be-- _drip, drip, drip_ -“ he stopped yet again, his eyes narrowing. When the dead silence continued for a full minute he threw his arms up in a flourish, determined. “THIS WILL BE TH- - _drip, drip, drip-_ DAMN IT SEVERUS!” He shouted dropping his arms and turning to glare at Snape who was standing by the table.

Evil crackled in the air like electricity as Voldemort raised a bony finger to point threateningly at the Potions Master, as the group fell impossibly silent, looking from Snape to Voldemort-with the exception of Lucius, who had just recognized the logo on the side of the coffee cup and was now attempting to inconspicuously drink it without the notice of the others.

“What is the matter with you, Severus!” Voldemort exclaimed angrily. “I demand that you cease _dripping_ this instant! YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY RANT!”

Snape raised an eyebrow, and stared at him for a moment in response. “Whatever.” he said at last, drying himself with a wave of his wand and sliding into the booth next to Anton and Narcissa, the latter of whom had finally noticed Lucius’ covertly drinking large gulps of coffee, through a straw.

She coughed subtly, in an effort to get her husband’s attention. When this failed, Snape took it upon himself to oblige her, by kicking Lucius-who was currently on cloud nine enjoying a caffeine high-beneath the table. Unfortunately, he missed and his boot connected with Peter’s shin.

The rat squeaked loudly his beady eyes watering in pain, and leaped sideways knocking into Greyback, who growled viciously with annoyance, barring his teeth inhumanly, and proceeded to lift Peter up and hurl him across the room like a Frisbee.

Thankfully, the sound of Peter crashing headfirst into the Doughnut display on the counter, was enough to bring Lucius back down to earth before Voldemort could notice what he had been doing. Quickly he withdrew the straw and stealthily dropped it beneath the table as Voldemort called them to order.

Meanwhile, the man behind the counter had begun to inch towards the phone, intent on calling the police. Or the Asylum. These people were raving lunatics. _I knew I shouldn’t have come to work this morning._ He thought as his fingers brushed the receiver.

“STARBUCKS!” Voldemort exclaimed suddenly, whirling around and pointing his wand at the phone which promptly turned to dust. The man whimpered and ducked back behind the counter, crying silently for his mommy.

Voldemort ignored him and turned back around to face his loyal Death Eaters. He raised his hands once again to the ceiling, glaring at Snape as he did so as though daring him to somehow start dripping again. “We must _DESTROY_ Starbucks! If we do not,” he intoned in a deeply dramatic voice, “our plans will surly fail! We will meet nothing but failure and all will be lost! On top of this, we will all DIE!”

Utter silence followed this statement, accompanied by the sound of theatrical chirping crickets. Finally Rodolphus Lestrange, raised his hand cautiously. Voldemort looked at him, and then around at the other Death Eaters. All of whom wore skeptical expressions.

“ _What_?” He hissed, his eyes narrowing dangerously. “You wish to contradict me Lestrange? _ME?_ ” He demanded with an air that told them quite clearly that, if this were the case, they would all suffer horribly.

In response, Rodolphus scratched his head wearily. “No My Lord. That’s not my intention.” he said hastily. There was a pause in which the Death Eaters exchanged looks. Rodolphus sighed. “Well, okay. Yeah. I mean, it’s just...”

For a moment he seemed to struggle with how to phrase his question. After trying and failing to think of a way, Lucius-who apparently hadn’t quite gotten over his caffeine high-unintentionally helped him out by suddenly blurting out “STARBUCKS?”

Everyone turned their attention to him. He looked back at them in an embarrassed sort of way, before looking back at the Dark Lord. “You want to conquer Starbucks?” he asked in disbelief, looking mortified.

Voldemort on the other hand, looked momentarily exasperated before he threw his hands into the air for the umpteenth-time and exclaimed in a deeply dramatic voice that brought to mind the distinct image of fire and brimstone: “NO! WE MUST _DESTROY_ STARBUCKS! BEFORE STARBUCKS DESTROYS _US!_ ” He cackled shrilly for effect.

Lucius looked like he might cry. Beside him, more out of fear that he might cry on her, than sympathy for him, Bellatrix patted his shoulder lightly, in an effort to be consoling.

“My Lord?” Snape began rubbing his temples, and interrupting Voldemort, who was still cackling with glee. The Dark Lord snapped his head down in his direction, and Snape waited a moment before continuing. “It’s not that I think the idea of con-Voldemort glared at him- _destroying_ Starbucks is a stupid idea but, can you tell us _why_ we’re going to take down a multi-billion-dollar company?”

“Why?” Voldemort hissed, shaking his fists at the ceiling as though this should be obvious, “because it is brainwashing people into buying more and more coffee, so that it can expand, and grow until it takes over the ENTIRE WORLD! AND I MUST HAVE IT FOR MYSELF!”

Snape let out a slow breath, staring at Voldemort whose pupils were dilated more than usual, making him looked deranged. “Okay...” he said very slowly. “Destroy Starbucks. Got it. We’ll just add it to the list.” The Death Eaters nodded in agreement.

Another silence ensued, during which the store manage bolted for the door-with little success of actually escaping-Peter woke up, and more crickets chirped.

“Um, Master?” Rookwood said, speaking for the first time. He looked slightly nervous and scratched his head in a way reminiscent of Rodolphus before speaking. “How do you plan on con-I mean _destroying_ Starbucks exactly?” he asked after a moment.

The Dark Lord frowned, creases forming in his forehead as he pondered this. “AHA!” He shouted in gleeful triumph, throwing his hands skyward again. “I HAVE THE SOLUTION!” He said confidently, as Peter sidled back over to the group. The Death Eaters waited for the moment when Voldemort would enlighten them with his idea, but it didn’t come.

Instead he let his hands fall back to his sides and said, quite calmly and in an entirely un-dramatic voice: “We’ll come up with a plan during the next meeting. Now come! It is nearly six in the morning. Time for me to instill fear in the hearts of small Muggle-born children everywhere!”

As the Death Eaters rose to their feet, Lord Voldemort turned dramatically towards the door, and grabbed up the cup of Starbucks coffee. He took one step and froze. The rest of the Death Eaters froze as well.

“My Lord?” Snape began once again, as Voldemort stared down at the coffee cup in his hand. “Is something the matter?”

In response the Dark Lord rounded on the group. “WHICH OF YOU PATHETIC FOOLS DRANK MY COFFEE?” He demanded, as all warmth was sucked from the air. Such was the extent of his fury.

Lucius Malfoy screamed and pointed an accusing finger at Crabbe Sr. “IT WAS HIM!” He shouted.

Everyone turned to look at Crabbe Sr, who had just knelt down and conveniently (or inconveniently depending on your perspective) picked up the straw that had been laying on the floor, still dripping with coffee.

“That,” Voldemort began, eyes narrowed and shaking with rage, “WAS _MY_ STARBUCKS PREMIUM ROAST COFFEE!” he bellowed, and raised his wand. “DIE!”

It was time, Snape and the rest of the Death Eaters decided, to run for their lives.

  
**End**


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